On Pins and Needles

According to the dictionary: "Being 'on pins and needles' means feeling sharp anticipation or anxiety; in a state of suspense. Someone who is 'on pins and needles' is very anxious and nervous." No doubt we were on pins and needles last week while waiting for the results from the PET scan. I (AJ) like to think I do pretty well at keeping the nerves in check but I must say, last week was a tall order.  When the good news came to us Friday morning, I couldn't believe how much weight was lifted from my shoulders! It must have been building, without my being fully aware of it, over the 72 hours we waited, and what a relief it was to get out from under that weight.   

The whole experience made me think of other times in my life when I've felt similar tension around uncertain outcomes. I thought of when I went to live with a family overseas for the first time or, more poignantly, when our two older children were carjacked in Rwanda and how, gripped by fear, I couldn't focus on anything else until we learned that they were safe and unharmed. In the more recent past, I thought about one more pronounced valley in my journey as a freelance consultant, wondering whether I would secure enough work to pay the bills. All of these were situations that I couldn't control, where I felt somewhere between uncomfortable and panicked.  

Yet these were also times when I grew, perhaps counter-intuitively, in my faith. The only response I found was to say something along the lines of, "God, it's in your hands. Show me the way. I know that you will protect and provide for me and my family - thank you! - and trust in your ultimate goodness."  I'm thankful that, in my own experience, God often uses times of vulnerability and uncertainty to weave us into deeper relationships and mold us for the better, strengthening our courage, patience and determination in the process. I’m sensing that that’s what’s happening now and it’s giving me real strength heading into the second half of therapy.  And even as I brace myself for treatment week 4, it's awesome to know the drugs are working about as well as could be expected and that the prognosis remains very good.  Thanks to all of you for ongoing well wishes, prayers, and support.  We wouldn't be trekking along at such a clip without you!